Things to do when FBI is recording your calls.

For comic relief satire from the “Dreader”.

Your hedge fund has been returning steady results, even during periods of high volatility, you’re able to maintain a steady rate of return and your AUM (asset under management) is growing exponentially… everyone suspects ‘it’ but nobody mentions ‘it’… Out of the blue you get a call from your lawyer, he tells you not to worry but that there is an “informal investigation” in to your company and that the FBI is leading the investigation along with the SEC. Considering everything this is a good thing, because at least now you know for certain your calls (and emails) are being monitored (see it wasn’t just paranoia)!

Regardless of what you do – run a hedge fund, finance nuclear power companies in hostile regions, or trade in high grade arms there is a huge chance you’ll come under investigation if you perform the ultimate sin – be too successful. Now the first thing to assume is your previous calls and emails were all being recorded and analyzed so what you’ll need to do now is create plausible deniability for all those calls (go through your memory and remember each call you said something stupid on and make smart reasons for why you said it).

Next moves:

• Stop talking on the company phone about incriminating activities but keep mundane chatter alive.
• Stop using your corporate email for serious conversations but keep using it for dull routine emails so you don’t let “them” know you know.
• Be wary of calls from old friends asking “mate, do you remember the time… we sold all those arms to…” if you get one of these calls your first instinct will be to hang up but don’t. Be evasive, and change the topic instantly. Start talking about his (or her) favorite soccer team or whatever, don’t let up and don’t indicate that you’re aware of his (or her) betrayal.
• Talk to your lawyers, remember they are your best friends now.
• Mobilize funds you’ll need to finance your defense (or flee), safe to assume that it’s going to be in the range of $45-$80 million.
• Explore all available options, this could include moving to a country that has no extradition treaty with the country you committed your little indiscretion in.
• If you do get taken in for questioning (or something else) don’t antagonize the officers. This is a mistake I sorta made and I had to pay for it dearly.
• Don’t make any statements to the press. Hire a good PR firm (eg: SGA, Inc. SR, Burson Marsteller, etc).
• Use unofficial throwaway emails with high-grade encryption (eg: hushmail.com). Use each account only once and then throwaway the account, even then make sure you don’t say anything implicating yourself. Talk in code if you must.
• Voice communication – Use throwaway encrypted cellphones (eg: CryptoPhone from GSMK) and random public phones, never use the same phone to make calls. And keep in mind, it doesn’t matter how many phones you throwaway if you’re calling the same numbers, FBI could be recording your call recipients 24×7 so regardless of how secure you think you are don’t say anything stupid! You can also use VOIP (internet phones) but again, adhere to the primary rules – no incriminating talk, throwaway after one use, and use code to communicate even low-level information.
• In person meetings – Be careful, the person you are meeting could be wired (nowadays there are super high power parabolic mics and hard to detect listening devices that can be planted anywhere so they don’t have to be literally “wired”) up and likely the person is someone you’ve liked (or even loved) all your life, it’s going to he hard, when this person asks you a question and then follows up with “if you love me you’ll tell me” this kind of emotional blackmail should not be tolerated, walk away if you suspect something. Walk away without giving any notice! This is something I fell for personally.
• Above all develop a paranoid mentality (don’t trust anyone). Your ultimate goal now is to ensure your comfortable future and continued freedom (for you and your loved ones).
• Remember, having a government that favors you makes all the difference (eg: China, Namibia).

If you are lucky they don’t have enough on you to indict, so they’re hoping you’ll slip up and give them more information. In this scenario if you take enough precautions and don’t give them any more evidence then you’ll be in the clear!